Opinions on my short story??

Darkness cloaked the pale pink walls as the clocks hands slowly ticked past the 12. The young girl was breathing steadily. Her chest moving up and down. Her eyes were shut, but her mind was flooded with thoughts. One dream chased another. The girls parents never came to check under her bed or kiss her good night like they had promised. They were too busy sneaking out and visiting bars, acting like the teenagers they wished they were. That was their mistake.Screams echoed throughout the little girls house. She woke up but could not open her innocent eyes. She could however feel cold, hard steel wrap tightly around her fragile body. A moment had passed and the shrilling screams turned to silence. But the steel grew tighter. The young girls mind went wild. She imagine being kidnapped by two evil men. She imagined her house falling apart and the roof caving in on top of her. She imagined thousands of other fates, but none of them were what was happening in reality. A harsh growl and screech pierced the air and filled the girls ears. Her eyes flashed open. But all she could see was a thick, dull gray chain crossed over her body. Her room was too dark to see anything small, but she managed to read the word 'DISTURBED' sloppily carved into a link on the chain. She was too young to understand what was happening. Her eyes searched the room but failed to find anything suspicious. It was when she glanced to the side of her bed that her heart stopped beating and she lost her breath.

Good poem. Is interesting in the last line, a good, strong line,
you properly write the word "it's" (meaning it is) yet two lines
above it (line 13) you use the same word, same meaning but
without the detail "its." I have seen your poetry before, and
you write well, usually in defined meter too. This one has some
good iambic tetrameter:

which IN my AB-sence WHEN it's GONE

This poem is in mixed meter but is a little sloppy, but still a decent
poem. I did enjoy it as well. Good effort with upside.

I enjoyed reading the poem. Most of it is written in a quasi type
Common Meter, though there is no defined meter or pattern of
meter, there is a natural bent to it.....e.g. I live in fear......i LIVE in FEAR
simple iambic dimeter. If you can learn to edit and work your own
poetry you can improve immeasurably. Some don't like that though,
or to be given any advice, even when they ask, praise is what they seek.

You got a couple great answers here, especially from Prof J.K. what
a compliment to your poetry that he or she would make the effort to try
and critique your poetry. Good F-ert.

Charles Kingsley in "The Last Buccaneer" mentions "Isle of Avès", what does the island symbolize? Does it really exist? any islanders?

This is about a girl talking to another girl who is dating her ex. When the girl talking met the boy she asked him if he had any tattoos, and he said not yet, but if he got one, it would be about God or her. By comparing her to God, he was telling her how important she was to him.

But after a short 76 days, they fell apart, metaphorically scratching her name from his heart. Then he moved onto the other girl and told her the same thing comparing her to God.

So the poem is saying that hyperboles of love, as you're like God to me, is an example of a line a boy can use to get you in bed, and they don't really mean what they say. So, beware.

A bit too ordered, and avoid the bad poets favorite word, "I".

Talk to myself
a flurry of sanity.
for communication
within my personal silence.

Crazy, that anyone, in passing,
should feel able to interpret it.

Dark and seclusion amplify
my vocal arena, the spyglasses effect -
dampening of billions of voices -
a quiet murmur perceived as feeling
waits for me outside a door,
preparing for me its roar.